This is not a countdown. This is Mag7!
Sooner or later, it’s going to happen. You are going to die. So why shouldn’t video games be any kind of different? Naturally, it’s the enemies who will most likely bite it, but there’s death all which way you look. So what I’d thought I’d do is list seven of the most painful or embarrassing deaths in video games.
Death by Ryu Hayabusa (Ninja Gaiden)
The ultimate modern day ninja in existence (Strider Hiryu takes the futuristic ninja schtick down pat) Hayabusa’s career is in the field of beating you up. There’s a reason I listed hm first: this guy is brutal, just like his games. For a start, in the original NES games (let’s pretend Ninja Ryukenden didn’t happen) any time he happens to attack you at any point anywhere, you will explode. Then in the latter games (in particular, Ninja Gaiden 2) he’s liable to cut your arm off, and then your leg, and then your head. He’s got ninja magic that will destroy anyone and anything. If Ryu Hayabusa ever touches you, you’re likely to die.
Death by Gravity Gun (Half-Life 2)
Now how do you top Ryu Hayabusa, the most dangerous ninja in existence? How about a gun that lets you toss things at other people? Will that work? The Zero-Point Energy Field Manipulator (that’s the technical term for the Gravity Gun) is a thing that allows you to pick up objects without using your hands. Perfect for lazyasses who need to grab the remote but don’t want to leave their couch. And for those who have an annoying spouse who always watching HGTV instead of ESPN (you know, those sporty types), all you need to do is get the powered-up version and fling those Holmes on Homes-lovers to the nearest wall or even out your window all the way to the next continent. SPLAT! (Redshirt Falcon does not condone nor is encouraging this behavior.)
Death by Getting Stepped On (Shadow of the Colossus)
Shadow of the Colossus is a fantastic game, there is no doubt about that. It’s one of the many reasons to purchase a PS2 over its competitors. This is what we like to call a Boss Rush Game. This is also as close as you can get to a Godzilla game without actually being a Godzilla game. You are Wander, puny twig when compared to the girth that these beasts (collectively called Colossi) each have. You do have regenerating health, but it’s not going to help much when you get stepped on accidentally. GAME OVER.
Death by Food (Burgertime)
Ah, Burgertime. Well documented as a classic, but also well documented as a manual on how not to make a USDA-approved hamburger. Your player chef must avoid -get this- animated hot dogs, eggs, pickles, and a bottle of ketchup while -get this too- treading all over your lettuce and cheese and, of course, the patty itself. Insane? You bet. These animated foodstuffs want your ass. It’s as if the whole game takes place in Soviet Russia, where the food eats you. What a country!
Death by Being Eaten (Cubivore)
I’m not sure if any of you readers have ever heard of Cubivore, but while we’re on the subject of food, It is one of those weird games that come out every so often and might have been a good game had people ever bought it. In this game, you eat other cubes that are smaller than you. It’s like Charles Darwin and Pablo Picasso got together and theorized about a feeding frenzy. This can also apply to Yoshi and Kirby, but they both have serious Binge/purge disorders.
Death By Car Crash (Burnout)
To give you an idea of how dangerous the cars in the Burnout series are: There are no drivers. Every single one of these cars want you, and the other five racers on the road, and practically everyone who may not be racing but in any case gets in their way, either dead or worse. Stay off the road, for these racers have serious rage. I mean, it’s even there in the name of the mode. But the biggest reason why this is on the list: Crash Mode, in which you drive into a busy intersection and make everyone around you crash, all for the purpose of pissing your insurance adjuster off. here’s a hint: BOOM.
Death by Master Sword Impaling (The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker)
The number one situation in ScrewAttack.com’s very first video top ten (worst ways to die, if you’re interested) this is listed last for a good reason. At the end of Wind Waker (WARNING! A HUGE SPOILER IS APPROACHING FAST) you drive the Master Sword into Ganon’s face. And then Ganon gets petrified, all the while staring upward as if saying “oops.” THE END.