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This is not a countdown. This is Mag7!

Sooner or later, it’s going to happen. You are going to die. So why shouldn’t video games be any kind of different? Naturally, it’s the enemies who will most likely bite it, but there’s death all which way you look. So what I’d thought I’d do is list seven of the most painful or embarrassing deaths in video games.

Death by Ryu Hayabusa (Ninja Gaiden)

The ultimate modern day ninja in existence (Strider Hiryu takes the futuristic ninja schtick down pat) Hayabusa’s career is in the field of beating you up. There’s a reason I listed hm first: this guy is brutal, just like his games. For a start, in the original NES games (let’s pretend Ninja Ryukenden didn’t happen) any time he happens to attack you at any point anywhere, you will explode. Then in the latter games (in particular, Ninja Gaiden 2) he’s liable to cut your arm off, and then your leg, and then your head. He’s got ninja magic that will destroy anyone and anything. If Ryu Hayabusa ever touches you, you’re likely to die.

Death by Gravity Gun (Half-Life 2)

Now how do you top Ryu Hayabusa, the most dangerous ninja in existence? How about a gun that lets you toss things at other people?  Will that work? The Zero-Point Energy Field Manipulator (that’s the technical term for the Gravity Gun) is a thing that allows you to pick up objects without using your hands. Perfect for lazyasses who need to grab the remote but don’t want to leave their couch. And for those who have an annoying spouse who always watching HGTV instead of ESPN (you know, those sporty types), all you need to do is get the powered-up version and fling those Holmes on Homes-lovers to the nearest wall or even out your window all the way to the next continent. SPLAT! (Redshirt Falcon does not condone nor is encouraging this behavior.)

Death by Getting Stepped On (Shadow of the Colossus)

Shadow of the Colossus is a fantastic game, there is no doubt about that. It’s one of the many reasons to purchase a PS2 over its competitors. This is what we like to call a Boss Rush Game. This is also as close as you can get to a Godzilla game without actually being a Godzilla game. You are Wander, puny twig when compared to the girth that these beasts (collectively called Colossi) each have. You do have regenerating health, but it’s not going to help much when you get stepped on accidentally. GAME OVER.

Death by Food (Burgertime)

Ah, Burgertime. Well documented as a classic, but also well documented as a manual on how not to make a USDA-approved hamburger. Your player chef must avoid -get this- animated hot dogs, eggs, pickles, and a bottle of ketchup while -get this too- treading all over your lettuce and cheese and, of course, the patty itself. Insane? You bet. These animated foodstuffs want your ass. It’s as if the whole game takes place in Soviet Russia, where the food eats you. What a country!

Death by Being Eaten (Cubivore)

I’m not sure if any of you readers have ever heard of Cubivore, but while we’re on the subject of food, It is one of those weird games that come out every so often and might have been a good game had people ever bought it. In this game, you eat other cubes that are smaller than you. It’s like Charles Darwin and Pablo Picasso got together and theorized about a feeding frenzy. This can also apply to Yoshi and Kirby, but they both have serious Binge/purge disorders.

Death By Car Crash (Burnout)

To give you an idea of how dangerous the cars in the Burnout series are: There are no drivers. Every single one of these cars want you, and the other five racers on the road, and practically everyone who may not be racing but in any case gets in their way, either dead or worse.  Stay off the road, for these racers have serious rage. I mean, it’s even there in the name of the mode. But the biggest reason why this is on the list: Crash Mode, in which you drive into a busy intersection and make everyone around you crash, all for the purpose of pissing your insurance adjuster off. here’s a hint: BOOM.

Death by Master Sword Impaling (The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker)

The number one situation in ScrewAttack.com’s very first video top ten (worst ways to die, if you’re interested) this is listed last for a good reason. At the end of Wind Waker (WARNING! A HUGE SPOILER IS APPROACHING FAST) you drive the Master Sword into Ganon’s face. And then Ganon gets petrified, all the while staring upward as if saying “oops.” THE END.

Pardon Our Dust…

…The cleaning lady took a vacation. I had a wonderful summer off; how about you? I’ve got to get slacking working. Mag7s are on the way as well as an actual top ten list from me. (but it’s top 14.)

 

-R.Falcon

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my esteemed pleasure to introduce a brand new segment: The Mighty Man of the Month. Every month here on RF (that’s Redshirt Falcon, for those playing at home), I’ll explain about someone with preposterous levels of testosterone (preposterone?) in video games, anime, or any other medium I find absolute levels of badassery in. It’s kind of like Badass of the Week, but done here on RF every month. And a bit calmer. And probably with no references to Badass of the Week.

 

After that, maybe I’ll bring up a Mag7 list.

 

BEWARE I LIVE

There is power in names. For Mag7, the power comes from the name itself.

Ask anyone who’s seen any sort of Faceless Voiceless Nameless Dork (such as Doomguy) and they’ll tell you that a big part of taxonomy (the science of giving things names, basically) is giving things a compelling name.  The whole point of names is that they have power. They strike fear into the hearts of their enemies, or failing that, just means something cool. The following seven names do just that. Qualifications are as follows: a name must exist in the media and be attached to a character who deserves their name. Oh, and said name must be awesome.

Oh, and some entries may contain spoilers. R U TUFF ENUFF?

Welcome to Mag7.

Odysseus (Greek Mythology)

This is rather stretching it. Technically Greek mythologies aren’t media-based (they started off as spoken word, after all), but I really can’t discount Odysseus (Ulysses, alternatively) and his achievements in the field of awesome. Firstly, he was the brains behind the military tactics of the Greeks in the Trojan Wars, and also survived (unlike that wuss Achilles; I mean seriously, one arrow to the heel and he thinks it’s the end of the world) to tell the tale of the Trojan Horse to his descendant Telemachus and wife Penelope. But to get there, he had to kill a Cyclops, escape from a nymph lode, survive a freakin’ tsunami brought upon by Posiedon, and then defeat Penelope’s seventeen ex-suitors. A word of note: If the Steve Reeves films are anything to go by, he traveled with gorram Hercules in his youth. Whodathunk?

Shadow Moon (American Gods) (spolier alert!)

While his full name is not explicitly stated (though his semi-dead wife’s name is Laura Moon, so one can make assumptions); Shadow lives up to expectations on being just plain awesome. When most (spoilers start here) of the gods would be fighting those new kids across the block, Shadow steps in and says that his boss Wednesday and Mr. World were playing the sides against each other for fun. Being badass and repainting the walls with spinal fluid is all well and fine, but the truly awesome should avoid fighting and in fact work to stop fights from even happening, as Shadow does here. Nice.

Nick Fury (The Avengers)

Nick Fury: Director of SHIELD. Admittedly I have no experience with reading ther Marvel comics day after day (though I’d much rather have Marvel than DC, anyway) but the fact that Nick Fury is played by Samuel L. Afro Samurai(at least, in the movies) just screams MANLY. Nick Fury was player two in an arcade game based on and starring the Punisherm, and still smokes that cigar as he fights the Kingpin.

Big Boss (Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater)

When it came down to which video game character’s name to immortalize here, many names came to mind: Mega Man X, Guybrush Threepwood, Joanna Dark, Gordon Freeman and so on, that it was literally impossible for me to narrow it down to one. So I picked Big Boss. Big Boss is the father (technically) of Solid Snake, the master of modern-day sneakery, and it’s easy to see where Snake got his skills from. He’s like Teddy Roosevelt, a rough-ridin patriot of his country, serving the world a plate of nuclear whoopass. Just like a boss.

Lu-Tze (Discworld: Thief of Time)

Rule one: never act incautiously while in the presence of a wrinkly little bald smiling man!

The sweeper and custodian of the Order of Wen (Also known as the History Monks), Lu-Tze holds great ranking and great power. Why? Because a sweeper can get in everywhere. This guy is well known in Hub circles as “just a sweeper”, but they’d be surprised what power this guy holds. As the sole master of (spoilers again) Deja-fu, Lu-Tze is able to best the personification of Time himself in a fight. And, as he had gone on record as saying “that’ll look really good on my resume” Always remember rule one, folks.

Kamina (Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann)

Who the hell do you think he is? Never mind the fact that he gets killed halfway through the first season. Just focus on his awesomity. Kamina’s piloting ability is only matched by his sheer bravadoian machismo. The fact that he’s got such manly quotes coming out of him even after he dies  is a sheer testament to just how cool this guy is. Not to mention he’s a born leader. and he’s got sweet shades.

Optimus Prime (Transformers)

In any version of Transformers you can name, Optimus Prime is the leader of the Autobots. (G2 and Rodimus notwithstanding) With Peter Cullen voicing him, you’d better hope he is. Optimus not only has the best name in Transformers history, he’s also a trucker. That is, he turns into a truck. With a trailer. The dude’s a sentient giant freakin’ robot and he turns into a semi at will; and he is truly more than meets the eye.

Redshirt Falcon is the guy your mom didn’t tell you about.

Sorry I haven’t been updating as much as I have been. School work and all that. Here’s what’s coming up:

a new Mag7 (topic undecided)

the beginning of a new story, exclusive to WordPress

finalGrade Arcade

 

Mag7: Hot Pursuit

Mag7: For when wheels aren’t enough.

Video games love fictitious vehicles. Cars, trucks, mecha, boats, flying cars, flying bikes, flying mecha, jetpacks, and especially airships. Such clock-a-work should not be underestimated, especially considering Final Fantasy’s been doing airships for years. For this list, I’m going to rattle off seven of my favorite fictitious video game vehicles, mecha notwithstanding. But relax, fans of Super Robot Wars, I’m saving your vehicle of choice for a list on its own.

Welcome to Mag7.

The T301 Vic Viper (Gradius)

The Vic Viper, arguably one of the most recognizable shoot-em-up planes ever, has had many redesigns of the the years, what with having about eight main line Gradius games (not counting Interstellar Assault, Galaxies or Solar Assault) and all. I’m not going to spare you the boring specifications of this starfighter, but all you need to know is it can create anomalies in space time. That’s right, it causes time itself to break. The History Monks will be pissed if this ship ever gets anywhere near the Discworld. Also, this thing has an arsenal that puts many nuclear-equipped third world countries to shame, and a customizable one, to boot. Unfortunately, it’s just as fragile as most third world countries. One good hit in the cockpit and it dies.

Samus Aran's Hunter-Class Gunship from Super Metroid

Samus Aran’s Gunship (Metroid)

While having a large arsenal is all very well, sometimes you just want a ship that can get you to (and off) where you need to go. Samus Aran’s Hunter-class Gunship also went through many variations, such as this recognizable one from Super Metroid. Admittedly it ran into an asteroid during the beginning of Metroid Fusion, but what do you expect with a ship the size of a few tanks and the ability to restore health and ammo. Maneuverability has to be a problem, but when it comes to transportation, you really can’t beat it.

R-90 Ragnarok pictured with Cyclone ForceR-90 ‘Ragnarok’ (R-Type III: The Third Lightning)

It’s not as if this craft isn’t powerful. In R-Type III, this thing obliterated Dobkeratops (the first R-Type’s Level 1 boss) in one hit. In R-Type Final, the gorram thing was split into two ships. First thing’s first: it’s an R series ship, so naturally there’s a charge-em-up shot that goes through at least two loops. and I’m a sucker for Charge-em-up shots. Secondly, and this is an important secondly, this ship has a Hyper mode. Charge up two loops in Hyper Mode and shoot splash damage to your heart’s content, or at least until it overheats. Finally, you see that thing at the end of the ship. That’s called a Force. (not Force Pod or anything like that, just… Force.) The specs in that thing is too hard to describe (it’s weaponized Bydo larvae), and there’s a ton of these kind of things (like the Cyclone Force, pictured here attached to the R-90), but the one thing they have in common is they’re invulnerable. They can’t be destroyed, but they can be pierced. Just as well, considering it dies in one hit like the Vic Viper

Captain Falcon's Blue Falcon from F-ZeroBlue Falcon (F-Zero)

For every hyper-powerful hyperspace arsenal from nowhere, there’s something like this hovercraft, which just so happens to be the fastest thing on no wheels. Captain Falcon’s vehicle of choice, he (spoilers) beat the gods who created the universe with it in a race on freakin’ Rainbow Road. If that isn’t fast, I don’t know what is. Supposedly, Captain Falcon himself built this thing, which is cool, until you remember that he is supposed to be a bounty hunter with enough punch power to blow up like 1/8th a galaxy. Fortunately, it fares better in the durability department than most of the other entries on this list so far, with the following stats culled from the games: Body – B, Grip – C, Boost- B.

Convoy's Truck from Vigilante 8 Arcade

Convoy’s Semi-Truck (Vigilante 8)

Vigilante 8, as I have stated in one of my previous Mag7 lists, is basically Twisted Metal in the ’70s, and Convoy is the Sweet Tooth of the V8 universe (as in, mascot; not insane fire-clown hell-bent on the annihilation of the other cars) For those who can’t see the picture (And that shouldn’t be too many of you, but let’s not get into details), Convoy has a semi-truck with a machine gun. Not only that, but his special weapon, rolling thunder, is basically just sound waves coming off his horn that cause damage and stall, leaving anyone who’s been in its path susceptible to more guns. let me make this clear once more: a semi-truck with a machine gun.

Siege Tank from Starcraft

Siege Tank (Starcraft)

Not a day goes by when I don’t think about playing Starcraft (and Brood War) in the wee hours of the morning, and the Siege Tank is one of those reasons why. Compared to other tanks in real life, this one seems rather dull and banal. until you switch to siege mode, then it’s goodbye dull and banal and hello shocking range and splash damage. While Siege mode makes this vehicle little more than a glorified turret, remember that it’s also a tank, and faster than tanks in real life, to boot. Get there before the Zerg do, and make sure to leave some for nobody.

A Selection of Boats from HYDRO THUNDER!!

Any Boat (HYDRO THUNDER!!!)

Lastly, we come to the water, and what better water vehicle than the speedboats. They don’t need sails, they don’t need wind, they just need water and nitrous oxide pickups scattered throughout New York Disaster. In HYDRO THUNDER(!!!), a racing game with nothing better to do than sound and be awesome, these are the only boats on the water. Maybe a few sailboats, but they all forget that speedboats can rip those pansies up like a shredder does to paper/cheese/Ninja Turtles. And they can survive crashes without much trouble.

Mag7: Systems that Suck

I am Falcon, Purveyor of Fine Red Shirts.

 

It’s been something like just over twenty years since that speedy blue hedgehog Sonic first debuted on Sega Genesiseses all over the world. In that time, empires rose (Sega), fell (Sega again), and something like fifteen home consoles rose to prominence, with a few -the SNES, Dreamcast, PS2, and 360- reaching the exalted status of Awesome. Others initially fell off the face of the earth, before being picked up by a select few and spreading via word of mouth. The Dreamcast again comes to mind, as does SNK’s Neo Geo system. Some just fell on their face. Here’s some of those. Remember, I’m only counting systems that came out after Sonic the Hedgehog was originally released.

Welcome to Mag7.

 

Honorable Mention: Sega 32X

 

Our first exhibit and a honorable mention comes to us by Sega themselves. Without a near-perfect Sonic game on it (Chaotix I liked, but it’s not a Sonic game, by virtue of not having Sonic as a playable character), the 32X had to go with arcade perfect ports of After Burner II and Space Harrier. The first thing you’ll notice about this Sega Genesis add-on is the fact that you have to plug it in to a electrical outlet. Surge protectors are definitely recommended. The second thing was its cost. Originally costing $150, nowadays you can get one for about a couple bucks. The 32X wasn’t bad; it did have some good games. it just… failed. The impending release of the Saturn also hurt the system. Still, if you can find one (and you still have a Sega Genesis lying around) I wouldn’t advise against getting it.

 

Nintendo Virtual Boy

 

Unlike the Sega 32X, which had about ten good games in its library of about thirty-something, the Virtual Boy only had two in its library of… uh, sixteen. Spending six months on the market’ll do that. This was the brainchild of Gunpei Yokoi, luminary creator of classics such as Metroid, Kid Icarus, the Game Boy, and even the Game and Watch. It just about ended his career at Nintendo. Why? It gives you headaches while playing. Yokoi was going 3D before 3D was meant to go for, and thus the technology only limited colors to demon dragon heart black and eye-searing red. There were only two good games in its library: one was Wario Land, and the other hardly counts because of it being gorram Tetris. Not to mention its controller. Two D-Pads? Maybe they were trying to channel the dual analog stick Sony would come out with five years later, but hardly any games used the second D-Pad anyway. Besides, any system having a licensed game based on Kevin Costner’s Waterworld is a failure du jour.

 

Panasonic 3DO

 

Three Dollars Only. Supposedly that’s how much development kits cost for the 3DO. it bloody shows. Apart from the Electronic Arts games (which were generally well done) and Return Fire (one of the best exclusives for the system, but then it moved to the PS1 anyway), most of the games were generic crap that hardly sold the system. With a price point like $700, that’s pretty much a necessity. If you didn’t buy the 3DO for Road Rash, Need for Speed, Jungle Strike or Return Fire, then what did you buy the system for? The genius that was Trip Hawkins figured CD-ROM capability. Unfortunately, he didn’t take into account the games that were due to be released. And that’s why 3DO sucks.

 

Tiger Game.com

 

No, we’re not talking Tiger Telematics. Those guys’ll come later. The Game.com had some decent tech behind it, most notably a touch screen and a modem. But that’s about it. Like with most of the systems on this list, the entirety of the system’s games were poor. This thing just wasn’t made for Duke Nukem 3D. it also wasn’t made for half the games that came out, most of which were from Sega. Sonic, Virtua Cop, and INDY 500 were released on this mess, and none of them were any good. The final nail in the coffin came through its battery life. All those good graphics had to come from somewhere, but sadly, the Game.com drained more batteries than its direct competitor: The Game Boy. Once the Game Boy went color, Game.com didn’t stand any sort of a chance.

 

Atari Jaguar

 

Show of hands: who played this system for anything but Tempest 2000 and Alien Vs. Predator? If you raised your hand, you are the biggest liar I have ever met. The Atari Jaguar claimed to be the first 64-bit system (I guess the impending release of the Nintendo 64 sorta caught Atari off guard), and with an aggressive marketing campaign, asking potential owners to ‘do the math’, the Jaguar was ultimately done in by how much crap the games were. Literally, there were two good games for the system, and I just mentioned those. Although, Tempest 2000 was released on the Playstation as well, so there was really only one good exclusive. Out of fifty.

 

Tiger R-Zone

 

This ‘system’ just plain lied. A Virtual Boy-style headset (and really, who would want to copy the Virtual Boy?), Tiger Electronics’s R-Zone had precisely squat going for it. Sure, the initial thought of playing the arcade games everyone loves (Virtua Fighter and Virtua Cop, f’instance) outside of the Arcade without having to resort to Saturn may have turned a few gamers on, but once they caught wind of how the games looked NOTHING like the actual arcade games that were plugged in the advertisements, people requested their money returned for them. A word of epilogue: Tiger Electronics, I believe, is now defunct. That’s what you get for sucking.

 

Nokia N-Gage

 

The Nokia N-Gage was so bad, it needed a redesign right out of the gate. Of course, it didn’t help by then. Something went horribly wrong during construction of the original model, and as a result you needed to take out the batteries to remove cartridges. And of course the system was also a phone, so theoretically you could talk on the phone while playing video games. There was another design flaw, and that’s why there’s taco-phone jokes. None of this wouldn’t matter so much if the games were any good, which again, only two exclusives were: Pathway to Glory (A Jagged Alliance-style strategy game) and Pocket Kingdom (The only RPG I know that uses l33t). Are you seeing a pattern here? The Nokia N-Gage QD may have fixed the aforementioned design flaws, but at the same time, no one bought the N-Gage anyway.

 

Tiger Telematics Gizmondo

 

Finally, Tiger Telematics (originally a flooring company, which explains a lot) hyped their flagship system, the Gizmondo (not to be confused with Gizmodo, the website) up to a degree far beyond the minds of mortal man. Then they spent their hype money to buy two Ferrari Enzos on Earth and rammed them through telephone poles. The Gizmondo wears many hats, among them a GPS, a camera, and a TV that only plays commercials, but the one hat it neglected to buy was game system. With only like eight games, two SKUs (one of which was a bit pricey next to the GBA, DS, and PSP: $400, and one of which playing commericals as you play the games), and zero sense, the execs behind Gizmondo were actually arrested for being in the Swedish Mafia. lemme repeat that: the execs behind Gizmondo were arrested in connection with the Swedish Mafia.

I have learned that only way to defeat a good video game is to burn it make a bad movie.

We’ve seen this all before. There’s this game that comes out that is really really good, and for some reason or another, someone out there in Hollywood, California wants to make it a feature film. Sometimes this partnership is sweet (like, for instance, how most comic book movies end up), but most of the time it’s just sour. That’s how 99% of video game movies are: pure, unadulterated crap. Especially if Uwe Boll makes it. So I complied a list of seven bad video game movies (in no particular order), then cap it off with three movies I want made by Hollywood and see if they can’t get them right.

Welcome to Mag7.

Super Mario Brothers

Bob Hoskins, who played Mario in this film instead of the more obvious choice, Captain Lou Albano (like in the Super Mario Bros. Super Show), has gone on record as to say the worst thing he ever did was Super Mario Brothers. This is basically the first big live action movie made from a video game, and it was a sign of things to come. Namely: a setting that didn’t have anything to do with the actual game, poor casting choices (Such as the aforementioned Bob “Eddie Valiant” Hoskins as Mario), shoddy special effects, no interest in acting, and a terrible end result. Some have said this is the reason why Nintendo isn’t letting anyone making movies based on their major products.
The House of the Dead

As the first spoke in a then up-and-coming video game filmmaker/bastardizer Uwe Boll’s wheel, you would expect it to be sturdy (or at least sturdier than the other few spokes put out for other firms), right? Nope. Interspersing a thriller movie with clips from the game sounded like a decent proposition, until you realize that the games were meant to be campy horror, but not necessarily thriller. That was more Resident Evil, so already we’re in a bit of a bind here. Again, poor casting choices ruin this movie.

Doom

Scoring points for getting The Rock to play a space marine role so fondly remembered in Aliens, the Doom movie tripped on something in all those dark monster closets from Doom 3 and forgot it wasn’t Aliens. Admittedly it wasn’t made by Uwe Boll, but with all the effort 20th Century Fox had put into this so-called ‘faithful’ adaptation, you would think it was. Doom currently does not have a good rating on the review aggregation site Rotten Tomatoes. That should tell you how bad it is, though I will say that the first-person setting was cool and should’ve been the entire movie. Woulda shoulda coulda.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li

A lot of people would put the original Street Fighter movie on here. Those people would be wrong on two faults. firstly, Street Fighter II: The Animated Movie was released in Japan in 1994, a year before the live action movie (making that one the original SF movie), and secondly the fact that I actually appreciated it for being campy (Raul Julia’s portrayal of main villain M. Bison was one such reason). No such forgiveness for this one, though. Removing the awesome dictator that Bison was and turning him into a wuss was failure number one. Failure number two was the poor performance by the rest of the movie. Failure number three: if this movie had a story that told what Chun-Li was doing before Street Fighter II (remember, she wasn’t in the first one), why is Bison even in this movie to begin with?

The King of Fighters

first question: Why is Kyo Kusanagi white? second question: Why does Terry Bogard have short hair? third question: Whose idea was it to science-fictionalize what was ostensibly a modern fantasy fighting game? A lack of knowledge of the game series itself does not excuse this poor movie, going so far as to being released theatrically and be completely forgotten by most people, even with all the hype behind it. Now, I never did see this movie, but if I had the good sense to stay far away from this one, so should you.

Double Dragon

the biggest problem with the Double Dragon movie is that it had some crap about some medallion being broken into two parts, split amongst two brothers. A distant departure from the original story of Bimmy Billy and Jimmy, rescuing the fair damsel Marion, and then fighting against each other to see who gets the girl. And then they destroyed a Double Dragon arcade machine. Not a good move, guys.

Mortal Kombat Annihilation

While the original Mortal Kombat movie was good, or at least good enough to warrant this sequel, this particular sequel is one that probably should not have been made in the first place. Hardly any of the original film’s actors returned for a second shot, which is just as well considering how bad the movie’s lines were. The special effects, practically required for a movie such as this, did not mesh well, and half of it looked like Ray Harryhausen’s idiot brother playing with play-doh. It was, in short, a failure, and no further movies based on Mortal Kombat have been made. (except for Rebirth, which was a fan-based trailer)

So you’ve seen the best, right? Well, here’s three movies that I want made. While details are sketchy, I’m going to assume that Metal Gear Solid, Splinter Cell, Uncharted, Gears of War, and World of Warcraft are already being made.

Contra

The whole basic plot of Contra can be summed up as Rambo (pick one) crossed with Aliens. There are dudes without shirts running around killing dudes and, eventually, killing aliens. Though it will create some comparisons with the two aforementioned films (I mean, some of the enemies in Conta are dead ringers for xenomorphs, and Lance (also known as Player 2) looks a lot like Sylvester Stallone with red pants), A film based on any entry in the Contra series (except Force) would essentially be the most awesome thing ever… so long as they stick to the source material: Shirtless men surviving everything and not dying.

Star Wars Rogue Squadron

Yes, I’m aware that Rogue Squadron is based on a book that is based on the events of the movies, but will anyone really care? Essentially, what we have here is Top Gun in the Star Wars universe. Throw in a few choice appearances by Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker in the movies) and you have here the most fan-based Star Wars yet. especially if there ‘s no Jar Jar Binks.

Vigilante 8

Vigilante 8 is summed up thusly: Twisted Metal set in the 1970s, equipped with enough Funk to make Black Dynamite proud. Make this a cross between The Road Warrior and a blaxploitation film (SHAFT, maybe) and add a studded cast of crew and cars (Clint Eastwood as Convoy, Samuel L. Jackson as Jefferson, and whoever it was that did Syndrome from The Incredibles as Sid Burn are musts.). hit puree. watch the explosions.

I am Redshirt Falcon, and I have Asperger’s.

For those who don’t know, Asperger’s Syndrome is what happens when you take a brilliant but lazy kid and give him no social skills. I’m not here to tell you what you can expect from such a kid.  Nor am I here to tell you the history of such a kid’s life. This is not that kind of blog, after all. This is a video game blog, and as such video games will be discussed.

Hm… maybe the better intro for this post would’ve been:

“I am Redshirt Falcon, and I play video games“,

or

“I am Redshirt Falcon and, not only do I have Asperger’s, but I play video games too

Anyway, welcome. You’ll soon find that the ramblings of an Asperger’s kid is not too different from your own.

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