I have learned that only way to defeat a good video game is to
burn it make a bad movie.
We’ve seen this all before. There’s this game that comes out that is really really good, and for some reason or another, someone out there in Hollywood, California wants to make it a feature film. Sometimes this partnership is sweet (like, for instance, how most comic book movies end up), but most of the time it’s just sour. That’s how 99% of video game movies are: pure, unadulterated crap. Especially if Uwe Boll makes it. So I complied a list of seven bad video game movies (in no particular order), then cap it off with three movies I want made by Hollywood and see if they can’t get them right.
Welcome to Mag7.
Super Mario Brothers
Bob Hoskins, who played Mario in this film instead of the more obvious choice, Captain Lou Albano (like in the Super Mario Bros. Super Show), has gone on record as to say the worst thing he ever did was Super Mario Brothers. This is basically the first big live action movie made from a video game, and it was a sign of things to come. Namely: a setting that didn’t have anything to do with the actual game, poor casting choices (Such as the aforementioned Bob “Eddie Valiant” Hoskins as Mario), shoddy special effects, no interest in acting, and a terrible end result. Some have said this is the reason why Nintendo isn’t letting anyone making movies based on their major products.
The House of the Dead
As the first spoke in a then up-and-coming video game filmmaker/bastardizer Uwe Boll’s wheel, you would expect it to be sturdy (or at least sturdier than the other few spokes put out for other firms), right? Nope. Interspersing a thriller movie with clips from the game sounded like a decent proposition, until you realize that the games were meant to be campy horror, but not necessarily thriller. That was more Resident Evil, so already we’re in a bit of a bind here. Again, poor casting choices ruin this movie.
Scoring points for getting The Rock to play a space marine role so fondly remembered in Aliens, the Doom movie tripped on something in all those dark monster closets from Doom 3 and forgot it wasn’t Aliens. Admittedly it wasn’t made by Uwe Boll, but with all the effort 20th Century Fox had put into this so-called ‘faithful’ adaptation, you would think it was. Doom currently does not have a good rating on the review aggregation site Rotten Tomatoes. That should tell you how bad it is, though I will say that the first-person setting was cool and should’ve been the entire movie. Woulda shoulda coulda.
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li
A lot of people would put the original Street Fighter movie on here. Those people would be wrong on two faults. firstly, Street Fighter II: The Animated Movie was released in Japan in 1994, a year before the live action movie (making that one the original SF movie), and secondly the fact that I actually appreciated it for being campy (Raul Julia’s portrayal of main villain M. Bison was one such reason). No such forgiveness for this one, though. Removing the awesome dictator that Bison was and turning him into a wuss was failure number one. Failure number two was the poor performance by the rest of the movie. Failure number three: if this movie had a story that told what Chun-Li was doing before Street Fighter II (remember, she wasn’t in the first one), why is Bison even in this movie to begin with?
The King of Fighters
first question: Why is Kyo Kusanagi white? second question: Why does Terry Bogard have short hair? third question: Whose idea was it to science-fictionalize what was ostensibly a modern fantasy fighting game? A lack of knowledge of the game series itself does not excuse this poor movie, going so far as to being released theatrically and be completely forgotten by most people, even with all the hype behind it. Now, I never did see this movie, but if I had the good sense to stay far away from this one, so should you.
the biggest problem with the Double Dragon movie is that it had some crap about some medallion being broken into two parts, split amongst two brothers. A distant departure from the original story of
Bimmy Billy and Jimmy, rescuing the fair damsel Marion, and then fighting against each other to see who gets the girl. And then they destroyed a Double Dragon arcade machine. Not a good move, guys.
Mortal Kombat Annihilation
While the original Mortal Kombat movie was good, or at least good enough to warrant this sequel, this particular sequel is one that probably should not have been made in the first place. Hardly any of the original film’s actors returned for a second shot, which is just as well considering how bad the movie’s lines were. The special effects, practically required for a movie such as this, did not mesh well, and half of it looked like Ray Harryhausen’s idiot brother playing with play-doh. It was, in short, a failure, and no further movies based on Mortal Kombat have been made. (except for Rebirth, which was a fan-based trailer)
So you’ve seen the best, right? Well, here’s three movies that I want made. While details are sketchy, I’m going to assume that Metal Gear Solid, Splinter Cell, Uncharted, Gears of War, and World of Warcraft are already being made.
The whole basic plot of Contra can be summed up as Rambo (pick one) crossed with Aliens. There are dudes without shirts running around killing dudes and, eventually, killing aliens. Though it will create some comparisons with the two aforementioned films (I mean, some of the enemies in Conta are dead ringers for xenomorphs, and Lance (also known as Player 2) looks a lot like Sylvester Stallone with red pants), A film based on any entry in the Contra series (except Force) would essentially be the most awesome thing ever… so long as they stick to the source material: Shirtless men surviving everything and not dying.
Star Wars Rogue Squadron
Yes, I’m aware that Rogue Squadron is based on a book that is based on the events of the movies, but will anyone really care? Essentially, what we have here is Top Gun in the Star Wars universe. Throw in a few choice appearances by Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker in the movies) and you have here the most fan-based Star Wars yet. especially if there ‘s no Jar Jar Binks.
Vigilante 8 is summed up thusly: Twisted Metal set in the 1970s, equipped with enough Funk to make Black Dynamite proud. Make this a cross between The Road Warrior and a blaxploitation film (SHAFT, maybe) and add a studded cast of crew and cars (Clint Eastwood as Convoy, Samuel L. Jackson as Jefferson, and whoever it was that did Syndrome from The Incredibles as Sid Burn are musts.). hit puree. watch the explosions.